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Well, that's great considering the whole year's worth of events the Parks and Rec department sent for us to choose from...

[ No, no it is not comforting at all, quite frankly, but Eddie will just have to suck it up, he decides. He wants that stipend until he can save up an especially comfortable cushion from the money he isn't wasting on utilities and rent while he looks for a job that's more suitable than the one he's been skipping every day. Honestly, who in the hell thought putting Eddie in charge of children was a good idea? ]

...wait, what? What the hell are you talking about, Rich? How is that even a thing?

Eh, you can just go to two, do two things at one and just one thing at the other, and then blow the rest off. That’s my plan. [A pause.] Want me to drop by? Just to keep an eye out for weird shit.

[Although Richie’s threshold for weird might be a little higher than usual.]

Oh, right, yeah. One of the Swear-Ins I went to, there was this experimental tech that suddenly glitched. Fucked up the people with psychic powers, and apparently that set off some kinda reaction where people’s memories got pulled out of their heads and uploaded onto the Internet. [A tired sigh.] I think mine singlehandedly gave somebody—fuck, whaddaya call fear of clowns again?

I kinda figured I'd do the meet and greet at this thing and then the next two parades. That way, I have minimal contact with people. I'd really prefer it that way. But yeah I'm going to blow off the rest, probably. But yeah, cool, come by. I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear. I guess costumes are mandatory. I'm guessing I can't get away with putting on a suit and saying I'm going as a lawyer or something. What are you going to do?

[ That's...all right. A lot. ]

Jesus Christ...wherever you were, that's some fucked up shit.

[ Frowning slightly, he clears his throat. ]

Coulrophobia.

Yeah, that. I accidentally gave some poor alien fuck who’d never even seen a clown before coulrophobia.

[He is disturbingly casual about this now. There’s a quiet snicker, like Eddie’s just said something he finds funny.]

No, but if you slicked your hair back and came with a microphone you could say you’re John Mulaney. [A pause.] Actually, forget I said that. I’m going as John Mulaney, there can’t be two.

I guess in your defense, it's not an entirely irrational fear to have.

[ Wrinkling his nose, Eddie looks confused. He's not really a stand-up comedian kind of guy. The only special he ever watched was Richie's and, at the time, he didn't even really know why he wanted to watch that one. ]

The fuck is John Mulaney? I'll figure something out.

Another guy in stand-up, used to work for SNL, looks kinda like he walked out of a movie from the fifties. The Internet fucking loves him now?

[Yeah, Richie’s as confused as anyone over the Internet’s sudden adoration of John fucking Mulaney. Like. Him? Really?]

Yeah, who knows if the clown at your birthday party won’t suddenly try to kill and eat everyone, right.

I'll take your word for it. I never heard of him.

[ God... Too soon, Trashmouth. Eddie's still got phantom pain in his chest and stomach every once in a while. ]

Beep beep, Richie.

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